Deployments are inevitable
If you have been a part of military life for any length of time, you will realize that at one point or another, deployments will happen. When they do, it can seem like you are the only one going through it. You start to scour the boards, looking for advice on how to stay sane, how to cope when you have children at home and what to expect.
Whether this is your first deployment or 10th, it is a constant learning experience. So I was thinking…wouldn’t it be great if there was a place where the best advice could all be accessed? Well now there is! I have round up some amazing seasoned military spouses to share their best actionable advice on how to manage deployments.
1. Don’t Let Your Pride Take Over
With my husband’s last deployment, I was a full-time working mom with a toddler. This time I did something I usually don’t do, I asked for help. Guess what? People wanted to help me!
Military spouses are so strong, but we don’t have to do everything on our own! Sometimes our friends and family want to help, but they don’t know how. Tell them what you need help with!
Now that I’m on the other side of deployment, I try to seek out ways where I can help my milspouse friends when they are going through a deployment. Some people are afraid to ask for help, so you can help them by telling them what you want to do for them. – Christine: Her Money Moves
2. Lower Your Expectations on Yourself
As a mom, I made it a point to make sure that I took care of myself physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s was so important that I was giving myself a break here and there, in order to be there and look strong for my children.
So, I found that it’s ok if dinner ends up being microwaved burritos, or if those dishes will have to wait till morning; as long as I used the energy I saved from those “mommy-tasks” to spend time with my kids or to decompress.. because hey, kids are going through this deployment too, and you gotta do what you gotta do to get through “survival-mode” while the spouse is away, right? – Catherine: Love always, Catherine
3. Be True In Your Relationship With You Loved One
For John’s year-long deployment to Afghanistan, I didn’t receive much advice directly from people I knew because most of my close friends and family had never dealt with the deployment of a significant other. I dove into online message boards and read articles and books looking for advice and help. Much of it was conflicting and some of it I considered harmful–either to myself or to our relationship.
So much advice focused on women being subordinate to their partners and to being okay with placing the military ahead of their relationship. That’s not how our relationship has ever been; we’re partners in every sense of the word… and the only thing we put above our vows is God–even the military. Instead, John and I decided to take the advice that did make sense to us and chart our own path. And it worked! – Jo: Jo, My Gosh!
4. Make The First Move
I’ve been separated from my service member (Air Force chaplain) for months at a time due to training, etc. As I work with families at the families of the deployed events our chapel hosts, though, and prepare for the inevitability of full-blown deployment, the best tip I’ve received is not to shy away from asking for help.
The very first time I PCS’d, my husband was sent away immediately after I arrived at his duty station. I went the whole time without meeting a soul, save for the people I worked with and often felt alone and miserable – even though I had the names of people in the military community to reach out to. As military spouses, we become so used to doing things on our own, or pride gets in the way, that we fail to ask for help – even when it’s available. Oftentimes, we feel we don’t have our community’s support, when in truth no one may even know that you need assistance until you speak up. – Jennifer: More Than a Mrs.
5. Set Up the Support Group BEFORE the Deployment
Reach out and put support systems in place before the deployment. Whatever is your biggest struggle – cleaning, cooking, needing a break from the kids – put aside the money and set up the support system. I always joke that, in the past, the house could’ve been burning down and I would’ve said, “Everything’s fine here! I’ve got a water hose. No worries!” I was miserable, and it didn’t help anyone. Never be afraid to ask for help before you need it. And if someone says, “Let me know if you need anything” be sure to respond with “Well, what are you good at?” Take them up on that offer. – Lauren: Military Wife and Mom.
6. Set Yourself a Goal!
My #1 tip for getting me through the first deployment with my spouse, was setting a goal with some sort of tangible sacrifice. For example, I started a blog (which required upfront costs.) Since I hate wasting money, I knew that I had to develop my blog by the end of his deployment. For others, it could be signing up for a race, organizing of one’s home (host a welcome home party so others would have to see how well you organized), learning to cook new foods (host a dinner in which you would should off your new skills). A goal that required measurable and timely results helped me to not dwell as much on my spouse’s deployment. – J.D.Collins: Semi-Delicate Balance
7. Find What Brings You Joy
Best advice I’ve ever gotten is to figure out what things fill my cup so then I had enough to give to my kids. The interesting thing was after trying to figure it out for a few months I realized that it wasn’t any of the things I thought “should” be the right answer. It wasn’t spending a fun quality day with my kids, it wasn’t going and getting my nails done once every few weeks, it wasn’t taking a bath. Those are all good and joyful things, but I still found myself walking around struggling to keep my head above the water.
I realized I needed things that really boosted my soul, not just distracted me from my problems. I needed things that helped me feel strong and confident in my ability to wake up the next day and handle all the crap that I knew was going to be thrown my way. So don’t be afraid to do what you need to so your cup is filled. Get creative, try a few things, pay attention to what triggers frustration or exhaustion, and remember that you really can handle this! – Michelle Bowler: Waiting Warriors Podcast
8. Create An Action Plan (And Write it Down!)
During my first deployment I absolutely drove myself bonkers! I knew during the second deployment there were a few things that needed to change, in order for me to make it through. After all the craziness from the deployment settles down, I know it’s time for me to create an action plan to keep my sanity in tact.
1-Staying around other supportive spouses was a big help. It made me feel like I was around others who truly understood what I was going through. 2-keep yourself and the kids busy! This was essential for my kids. It allowed them to be around other military children who have endured having a parent deployed. 3-keep a journal! Keeping a journal allowed me to write down my true, raw, and unfiltered thoughts. I wrote down the good, bad, and the ugly in my journal. A journal also shows how you have grown over the years, and can be used to assist another spouse during their first deployment. 4- lastly we placed a Hershey kiss in a container for each week we completed during the deployment. The candy symbolized the countdown and us giving dad a kiss while he was gone! – Lekiesha Black : Incredible Life of a Military Wife
9. Do Something Everyday
Filling up my calendar (literally) was one of the best things I could have done during our deployments. I made sure we were doing something every single day, even if it was just an hour long playgroup or a trip to the grocery store. Staying busy made the time go by a lot faster and there are plenty of ways to stay busy if you look for them.
If you are not sure what is going on in your local community, Facebook events is a really good place to start. You can search by category, date, and location and should be able to find events going on to add to your calendar. Added to that was having a good friend circle. When you have good friends to depend on, not only do you have that extra support but you always have people to make plans with which can help you stay busy. – Julie : Soldier’s Wife, Crazy Life.
10. Find Your Tribe
Your tribe is vital to get through a deployment. They allow you to have someone to vent to. Or maybe show up at your door with ice cream when you just can’t take it any longer. They also are great people to put as emergency contacts or someone to pick up your kindergartener when you get a flat tire or someone who will take you to the doctor when you can’t seem to get out of bed.
When my husband was deployed, my oldest (who was a baby) fell off the changing table. I rushed her to the emergency room and dealt with a Cat Scan and all. It was scary! So I called on my tribe not only for help waiting at the hospital, but also for moral support in the days following. There was also a time when I broke my toe BAD during this last deployment. I had all three kids (under the age of 4) alone and I could barely move. I knew who I could call and my tribe did not disappoint. Find your tribe and hang on to them forever – even after you leave. – Noralee: Mrs. Navy Mama
Feeling Better?
Everyone’s experience is different when it comes to deployment. You may find that some things work for you while other’s do not fit into your lifestyle. But looking at these seasoned spouses there are some takeaways that will help you work through most deployment related situations.
So go find your tribe and stick with them. Give yourself grace and good self-care. Set goals and stay busy with meaningful things, and finally focus on your relationship with your loved one.
Deployments are tough, but YOU are tougher! You got this!
