TRIBE : a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader: A distinctive close-knit group.
Everyone wants to make friends. As humans it appears to be in our DNA to seek out for those who understand us and what we are going through in life. We thrive on connection and seek out people who have qualities we admire and strive for in ourselves. From preschool and through adulthood, this urge doesn’t change, but the way we go about it does.
When someone refers to searching for their tribe, they mean they are looking for that group of “friends” who share commonalities or those attributes we wish to obtain. Our tribe is important because it helps to fill any void for companionship, gives us a sense of belonging and also validates our values and beliefs.
Everyone’s tribe looks different and can be found in many different places: church, military/community groups and family are just a few.
But how do you FIND the members of your tribe??
Finding your tribe isn’t always easy. As we get older, the stigma of social interaction quotas give us the sense of failure when we having a hard time connecting with others. Remember how hard middle school was? As an adult, it isn’t much easier.
Thankfully, there are ways to find those members of your tribe while also staying true to yourself. Giving yourself grace, showing confidence and having good self-care/self-love are great starts. Here are 6 easy steps to get you started in your quest to find your tribe.
1. Determine what you are looking for.
The first step is knowing what kind of relationships you want to build. Are you a new mom who wants to connect with other new moms? Are you new to a command and want to make friends with the other military spouses? Are you looking to build relationships with people who share your same faith? Determining what connections you want to make and grow will help guide you to those people and not waste time and energy pursuing relationships you do not want.
2. Be Confident
This is extremely important. Confidence helps you feel more comfortable approaching strangers, and also helps attract the types of people you want in your life. Compassionate, curious, and confident people are the kinds of people we strive to be.
One of the best ways to gain this confidence is to have a greater amount of self-love. You are amazing and you deserve to love yourself and to be loved by others. As you begin the journey in increasing your tribe, know that you are loved and that anyone would be lucky to know you. Good self-care practices are also great ways to help increase your confidence.
3. JOIN THE “GROUPS”!
So you know the kind of person you are looking for, you are feeling more confident and you are now ready to go for it. Well then, join the groups! As a MILSO, there are many opportunities to meet others in your service member’s command, squadron, base and/or corps. Social media is a common avenue to locate these groups. Groups range from wine tastings, playdates, coffee meet-ups, book clubs, outdoor activities, photography, paint nights, crafts and so many more. You’re bound to find something that peaks your interest and is worth your time.
Also, don’t be afraid to get our of your comfort zone! Volunteering in a group is a great way to meet people you never would have had the opportunity to otherwise. It also allows you to help plan activities in the groups and have more of a say on the types of activities you do.
4. Leave Judgement at the Door.
Be honest, have you ever taken your first impression of someone and determined their “friendship” scale right then and there? Allowing a predetermined attitude to dictate your ability to form relationships is not only self-destructive, but can also be a huge roadblock in finding your tribe. It is a sad fact, but sometimes we are unable to connect with others because we’re too busy judging them. Truth is, we all have bad days and you wouldn’t want to be judged for one of yours. Instead, look for what it is you have in common and what you enjoy about that person.
5. Give it a REAL “college try”.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try try again” – Thomas H. Palmer. Fear and failure are a necessary part of life. Those shouldn’t keep you from bigger and better things! Overcoming uncomfortable moments can put you in a better position to making longer lasting relationships you may not have even had a chance for otherwise. So if you’ve found a group that you really enjoy and feel you are making connections, try to attend on a regular basis. Make sure, however, to not guilt yourself into staying in a situation that truly is not working out. You want to give it your all, but also know when to move on.
6. Make your move outside of the groups.
You’ve done it! You are joined some groups, (maybe even volunteered!), attended a few get-togethers and even met a few people who you really seemed to hit it off with: Now what? Time to take it outside of the groups! Reach out and make plans with those people who you want to include in your tribe. Making the “first move” can be as simple as a playdate with your friends, a trip to the NEX for some shopping and lunch or even carpooling to a group event. People love to feel appreciated in their friendship and even if schedules don’t align the first time, don’t give up (see step 5).
You got this!
Building your tribe is a process, and as a military spouse, you may have to repeat this process over and over again with each PCS. That is ok! It may not happen overnight, but the more you follow these steps, repeat, and repeat again, your tribe will continue to grow. And many of these relationships can continue even after you move. I have many friends I still consider to be a part of my tribe/family from all over the country. As you continue to build these relationships, you will find yourself growing along with your tribe. So what are you waiting for!?
