I have been blessed with a lot of amazing people in my life. Prior to this crazy military life, my tribe would consist of people from work, church and friends I found along the way. Once my husband chose to go back into the military in active duty Navy service, I was thrown into a new world and a bigger tribe. One I was not use to. Although there is so much support from everyone around me, there are times when things are said to me that make me sit back and think….”Did that just happen?” There are things you should NOT say to a military spouse.
Now, if you are reading this, you might be a fellow military spouse who knows exactly what I am referring to. Although most of the time it is said out of ignorance, it doesn’t make that ping of hurt go away. I recommend focusing on educating verses holding a grudge or ruining relationships.
You may instead be someone who is trying hard to support your military friend. Maybe you are trying to figure out what NOT to say, how best to support that good friend and how to help lift them up instead of tear them down. When talking to any military spouse (especially one whose spouse is deployed), I ask that you take a moment before speaking and really think: Is this helpful or hurtful?
Regardless of where you stand, I am here to lend my assistance and share with you my take as a military spouse the 5 things that probably are better left unsaid.
1. You Chose This Life
I put this first for a reason: It is the most common phrase said to me. It still boggles my mind that it is something I hear. Why does this even need to be said? Does it actually provide support?
By saying, “You chose this life”, you are literally telling the person venting that their struggles (deployment, workups, PCSing, etc) are somehow invalid because they choose to marry their husband.
Let’s think about this another way: Do you ever complain about your job, your children, your spouse or maybe your spouse’s job? How would it make you feel if someone said “Well, you chose that life. Suck it up.” I’m guessing it probably wouldn’t go over well.
We did choose to marry our spouses and we most likely knew that the military was part of the package (although some of us didn’t – take me for example). Regardless, until you are in the mist of military life, it is difficult to determine how it will affect you.
2. That’s Not That Long Of A Deployment
This is an iffy one because I know for a fact that this has been said to me with no mallace intended. I am going to say this right now: Being alone is HARD.
We all know that some separations are longer than others. Some military jobs have 6 month deployments, some require 1-2 weeks gone each month, and some have 9-12 month deployments. Then there is always my personal favorite: no clue of the length of time whatsoever. My husband personally has done a little bit of everything when it comes to deployments: they all feel the same way.
Again, think about it the next time your spouse is out of town for the week for work, when you are pulling out your hair and hoping that Friday comes quickly. I am pretty sure the words “It’s not that long” would not be appreciated.
3. At Least His Job Isn’t Dangerous.
Ok…um, I am not really sure what that has to do with anything. This seems to be said to me when I am nervous about the safety of my spouse when he is away.
Although my spouse isn’t infantry or currently in Afghanistan, does that mean he’s is not making a real sacrifice? He is away from home weeks every month and he currently serves 3-6 month deployments in the middle of the ocean and all over the world.
I personally am very grateful for my spouse’s job and that it isn’t “dangerous” in and of itself, but that doesn’t make me feel any better when he is physically in the middle of the ocean. If you pay any attention to the news, things go wrong and ships go down. So please, just don’t say things like that.
4. I Could Never Do It.
Hmmm… This is another “iffy” one. When this is said, it usually doesn’t mean “I literally could never physically marry someone in the military”. It usually implies more of “I would never…”. If that is actually how you feel, it is probably better to just say nothing.
However, if you are saying “could” is an uplifting way, then please go for it! In fact, maybe consider immediately following up this phrase with “You are amazing!” or “You are going to rock this!”. Just a thought…
5. Are You Worried Something Might Happen?
Please never say this. Ever. There is never a reason for it and I feel like punching a wall (or face) when I have heard someone say this. Fear of losing a loved one is real and scary and not something that should ever be brought up. You think you are “helping” by preparing them for the worst? Trust me, you are NOT. Just don’t even go there. Seriously….do not.
Take Away
When thinking of what NOT to say to a military spouse, I want to leave you with some other options when you feel tempted to say the above mentioned phrases. Consider something on the line of “Geez, that sucks, let me bring you some dinner!” or maybe “Can I take the kids for the afternoon so you can run errands by yourself??” (total vacation, let me tell you!). Even a simple “I’m sorry.” or “You got this!” can go a long way!
If you really want to help a MILSO, the most important thing you can do is listen. Listen to the struggles, the fears, and the insecurities. Let that spouse know that you are a there for them, whether that means a last minute school pickup, a late night ice cream run, or help jumpstarting their car when AAA will take too long.
The take away from this is really simple and it comes from a furry little rabbit named Thumper: If you can’t say somethin’ nice (or uplifting, or encouraging or helpful), don’t say nothin’ at all. It is difficult to understand a life you have never lived. Just remember, that MILSO needs and deserves your love and support. They deserve to know that you are in their corner. You will be glad to have them in your corner as well, trust me.
