Supporting military children comes with the territory as a MILSO. But it isn’t always easy.
My oldest comes to me in tears. You best friends just left; Hawaii. Even at four, she is aware that is is not a good thing. Yes, she will make new friends at school in the fall, but her current BEST friend is leaving.
Military families are use to packing up and leaving their friends and family. They are use to being the ones who leave. However, sometimes it is the friends of the family who leave. Now this may be due to military life, or it may be due to a change of job for the family, but either way, it isn’t easy.
In Fact, It Can Feel Awful.
We do our best to support our military kids during deployment and when we move. We plan for their feelings of separation with their loved one, leaving their old home, starting in a new place and give them things to look forward to. But what about the separation from their best friend? This is not something I thought about as a military spouse, but after some time, I realized that coping for children is similar to the grief cycles we go through as MILSO.
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Supporting Military Children
No matter your child’s age, there are some simple things to help them cope with the huge change in their lives when they are separated from their best friends. Because as you know – besties become our tribe. And that goes for our kids too.
Lend Your Listening Ear
Listening attentively to your child builds trust and strengthens the parent-child bond. Letting them talk it out with you gives them the opportunity to verbally express themselves in a healthy manner and in a supportive environment.
Even our littlest ones feel big emotions so them know you are there for them, acknowledge their feelings and teach them how to best express. Turn off your screens, stop all your activities and make eye contact with your child. The to-do list can wait for a while. You are teaching them that talking to a trusted person in their life, and sharing their feelings, is a healthy coping strategy that may make them feel better.
In addition, empathizing to what they are going through and labeling the feelings teaches your child to understand what he is feeling.
Use the Past to Manage the Present.
This is something that comes instinctively to many parents; use a similar situation from your past or your child’s past to teach him how to manage this new situation. This provides confidence that the situation is manageable, and a reference on how best to cope with this situation that may seem like the “end of the world” in the moment.
Teach Healthy Behaviors.
As I said before, there are a lot of big emotions that our young ones go through. When your child is feeling really sad or angry, its important to teach healthy ways to cope. Talking about fun and special times shared with that friend; look at pictures with that friend; help him contact that friend to re-connect.
If it isn’t helpful to focus on the friend who is gone, encourage him to redirect his attention on his current friends. No friend available? Help him see how doing something he enjoys — sports, exercise, hobbies, music, reading — might take his mind off missing the friend and help him feel better.
Get a Stationary Kit.
Although technological connections are the most popular, traditional mail is still a great way to help friends maintain a long distance friendship. Sure, it may be old-fashioned, but they are still wonderful. Kids will love the confidence of knowing that they have a way to keep in touch with their friends, even if they move to a new time zone. Even small care packages make a great addition for special occasions, birthdays, etc let faraway friends know they’re loved. You can also show them how to set up Skype, Marco Polo or FaceTime dates with their friends.
Support From Your Tribe
Social support from your tribe is something us adults go after when we are dealing with big emotions. The same goes with kids! Even without their bestie, having a social outlet can help ease the transition period. Perhaps suggest new activities or clubs they can do or join. Make sure your child knows he or she is loved by the family members and friends around them. They need to know that even though their best friend is moving, they have a big support network of people who care about them.
Be careful not to overload them though. This is not meant to replace their friend who left, but instead help them know that they have a big support network of people who care about them.
Make Memories
Use the time left with their friends to full advantage. Play dates, and get togethers are great ways to make memories that will last a lifetime. Be sure to take lots of pictures! I love to make a scrapbook or video as a memento. A flip book of photos for each of the friends is a great memento and allows the kids to flip through them any time they want! One fun idea for your older children, especially those with social media, would be to come with their own special hashtag to better keep up on what’s going on in each other’s lives.
Give it Time
There is a phrase out there: time heals all wombs. As long as there are healthy coping skills, there’s nothing wrong with letting your child be sad for a while. Although it isn’t fun, the pain will eventually go away. Your child and that friend may continue to stay in contact, or they may drift apart over time, but overtime, they will learn to cope with loss. You just continue with your support, empathy, and guidance along the way.
We Are Their Support
Through it all, we are all going through the different feelings that come with PCSing, whether we are the ones leaving or our friends. Taking time to support our military children through this time will prepare them for the next and the next; after all, they are military families. Their WILL be a next time.
