That Dreaded Day Has Arrived
Your spouse walks in and delivers the news: Another deployment is coming up. You may have 6 days notice (happened to us once) or a month, but no matter the time before your SO leaves, the emotional cycle always seems to start immediately.
No one can truly prepare for all the emotions related to a military deployment, and it doesn’t just occur while your spouse is away. So many times, the emotional cycle can be reminiscent of the cycles of grief that you hear about: ranging from denials all the way to acceptance.
There are a few extra emotions that occur however, and I am here to lay them all out for you. Remember, no one needs to experience these emotions alone. Make sure to find your tribe, pour yourself a drink and feel free to feel all the emotions as they come. Welcome to the deployment cycle!
Quick note: These do not always happen in this exact order, or you may feel some of them at the same time as each other.
Denial and Anticipation
At first you are in denial that this is actually happening. After all, didn’t they just come back? There is no way that they would be needed again so soon. There must be some mistake or this is a cruel joke of some kind, right? So you push the idea deployment out of your mind and fill it with the kids, the house, your job or hobbies. Then you start to anticipate what it will be like without them, while scouring Pinterest for tips and tricks to help you during this deployment.
During this stage it is vital to keep communication open with your SO. Share how you are feeling and really listen to them when they share information about timelines and things he needs help with.
Anger and Withdrawal
Once you are no longer in denial, you may move right along to the anger and anticipation stage. Tempers may flare and fights may start for things that may seem small and insignificant. Then the guilt of those fights can hit you.
During this stage, you may also notice feeling more withdrawn from your partner and their work prep. You may feel “abandoned” from your loved one as during this stage. All these feelings can trigger one another. They are also perfectly normal!
Once again, continue with open communication and be sure to use good practices of honesty so that you are able to work through any arguments with minimum damage. It may seem like this stage will last forever, but you will get through it.
Adjustment
You loved one has left, and now is the time to face your new normal head on. You may feel overwhelmed during this stage, wondering about all the new responsibilities you are now in charge of. Something ALWAYS breaks during this stage, and usually more than one thing at a time.
This is an EXCELLENT time to ask for help. Utilizing your tribe to help you adjust may have you feeling like a burden, but that couldn’t be more further than the truth. Your tribe is important because having one helps to fill any void for companionship, provides a sense of belonging and also validates our values and beliefs.
Plus, who else can you count on when you need a good cry or one of your kids starts throwing up and you need someone to watch the others for a trip to urgent care. Yep…all that has happened to me!
And don’t discount those in your tribe who are long distance. Sometimes all you need is a good venting session to clear your mind and move forward.
Stabilization (Finding Your New Normal)
This is the “easy time” and usually the stage that lasts the longest. You are now cruising along and have settled into your new normal, you’re feeling confident with your abilities to handle tasks and situations usually managed by your SO and there is a strong realization of your resilience!
Yes, you miss your loved one every single day, but you know you can handle anything that comes your way.
During this stage, you may find joy in sending care packages, attending wardroom/squadron functions and spending your time on your own self-care. Using this stage for your own betterment could help the time pass more quickly before you move to the next stage.
Anticipation of Return
The deployment is coming to an end and you know that soon you will see your loved one again. I remember throwing myself into my final projects from my bucket list. You may have “butterflies” with the anticipation of seeing your spouse after so long. What will it be like?
This is a happy and hectic time in your life. You may almost feel like you are going backwards in your ability to juggle everything, but that is a normal feeling. Just keep moving forward: it’s almost time!
Reintegration
They are HOME! You feel elated and happy and you want everything to be perfect. Meals are planned for their favorite foods, you got that new outfit you have been saving for and booked a babysitter for some date nights. The first few weeks are all mapped out in your mind and you are determined for them to go perfect.
But it does take some adjustment and patience as you find your new normal. It may not go according to plan and that is ok! You may notice that you feel almost territorial with the home duties or things related to your children. After all, you just spent months handling it all on your own!
Reintegration can be hard, but there are things you can do to help, including making sure to give your SO some space and communicate the schedule to them, making sure to include them if they desire. The length of this stage will vary greatly based on the time away, the type of job your SO had and whether combat stress is present. Be patient and show grace for you both, and your kids (if applicable).
Stabilization Part 2
You are back to “normal” and you are feeling comfortable with your partner and you lives together. Tasks are once again divided to your liking, you communicate regularly and are making decisions together once again. If you have kids, they are showing confidence in their interactions with your SO, they have settled into their routine and are thriving. Life is good!
Enjoy this stage, but don’t get too “comfortable”: that next deployment is sure to be right around the corner! During this stage, revisiting what worked and what didn’t during the last deployment will help you while your SO is around and also in preparation for future deployments.
Deployments bring with them so many emotional challenges, and we often wonder if what we are feeling is “normal.” Well, just a reminder to those of you embarking on this journey, no matter how crazy it may seem, is IS normal and YOU got this.
