Guest Post from Deidre Rees – Military spouse and mom of four daughters.
The holiday season is truly the most wonderful time of the year. Even in places that don’t get cold enough for snow, everything seems to sparkle. Eyes shine brighter, greetings become effortless, and hope fills nearly every heart. Christmas has always been a special time for me. Growing up in a large family, we didn’t have much opportunity to emphasize presents. Instead, we focused on being together. As a result, I have joyful memories with my large immediate and extended family and have loved sharing traditions with my own kids.
When my husband, our four daughters, and I arrived in Japan in early December 2019, we had a meager Christmas far away from everyone who loved us. With no household goods and no friends, it was a challenging introduction to military life overseas. Throughout the following year, I learned what living on a forward-deployed base would mean. Every day my husband left our home before our kids woke up and came home after they went to bed. He spent most of his time at sea, quarantined to the pier, or generally tethered to the ship.
Throughout our first two and a half years here, 79% of our communication was over email – I did the math.
As I’ve watched our kids get older, I’ve been filled with so much hope for their future and so much sadness that their dad was missing it. The baby learned to crawl, walk, speak her first words and she is now a capable 3-year-old. The oldest girls have entered their tween years with all the raging hormones and unchecked tears. And our timid middle child is learning to reach through her anxieties and spread her wings.
How much more will they change before we see him again?
“The moments with our favorite guy may be few and far between, but they are so important and essential for all six of us.”
In almost 12 years in the Navy, our sailor has missed every holiday a million times, except Christmas. I knew that everything would be okay if he could be with us to celebrate the season of giving, hope, and joy. Then, on our second Christmas here, that dreaded email came. He would not be home. He would miss seeing the season’s magic in our daughters’ eyes. We had gained the support of friends, but the pandemic and the intimate nature of the holiday still left us navigating this new grief alone. After passing every birthday, every holiday, and our anniversaries alone, I felt like finding joy in Christmas without my love seemed impossible. Most parents understand that we must dig deep to keep our children’s spirits light when things are dark.
Making Christmas magical for them got us all through this dark time.
When the ship left early this December, I hoped the world would keep its peace and let the sailors come home as planned. However, the world doesn’t stop because of holidays, and barely two weeks before Christmas I got that dreaded email. The ship will not be home for Christmas. Would it have been easier if we knew that he would be gone? Would others who are missing loved ones navigate it more easily, knowing long before Christmas that they would be apart? To share the news, yet again, with our children twisted my heart into shapes I never knew it could become. I have spent my years of motherhood emphasizing the importance of family, of being together.
That’s why we have stayed in Japan through every hardship—because the moments with our favorite guy may be few and far between, but they are so important and essential for all six of us.
Now in this most joyful season, I must comfort my girls for a loss they can’t understand. First, there were tears, then plans for which presents they would open on Christmas Day, and which would wait until dad finally came home. In spite of this, there is a silver lining. When they ask me what I want for Christmas, I always tell them that I want their dad to be with us. The repeated dissection of our family, and the absence it leaves in our lives, has taught us all that loved ones are infinitely more valuable than gifts.
I know some people celebrate the season with heavy hearts for loved ones who have left this earthly life. Some people are without their families through no fault of their own, and they wonder if anyone can understand their pain.
I do. We do.
Military families worldwide sacrifice daily to protect our beloved country from threats that most people do not even know exist. Throughout our military history, service members have been applauded and hated, revered and scorned. But now it seems the military is just another part of life that goes unnoticed. Unnoticed by everyone except those who are living it.
We should all take the time to remember those serving through thick and thin. Those who follow orders no matter the toll it takes on their personal lives; those who believe so wholeheartedly in the freedoms we have that they put their lives on the line to keep them intact. Please remember those serving in all branches of the armed forces. The Christmas season is the best time to do service projects for those in need; including service members who have orders to be away from home. Bring ideas to your scouts or church groups. Send a letter to a service member you know, and ask friends with family members serving how they are doing.
It may be small or seemingly inconsequential, but to a person like me, who has been in Japan for three long years with a husband who is constantly on a ship, it would mean the world.
