Being a military spouse was…lonely.
My first move as a military spouse was unexpectedly hard for me. Since moving away from home for the first time, I would head to work or class and that gave me instant friends. Even when I didn’t know anyone in my neighborhood, I had people to associate with throughout the day.
But when I arrived at our new base, pregnant and jobless, my husband went off to work and I stayed home. Human nature craves those interactions, and so this was a new experience for me and I didn’t like it.
Making friends was harder than I ever expected.
For my husband, the service member, the military creates an instant community. And they have an instant connection. They have to rely on each other to get through basic training, deployments, squadron and boat events. They rely on each other and work and communicate each other on a regular basis.
However, as a military spouse, you don’t always have the luxury of instant connections. Opening up and allowing a new friend into your life isn’t always easy and takes time. It takes the courage of someone to step out to say hello and be willing to break through any wall that may be in the way.
And where does one even go to find new friends? I joined a gym, enrolled my new baby at Little Gym and Kindermusik, and joined the military spouse groups in town. And it was by doing that I met a couple girls who noticed me and my little one. They were brave and reached out to me. We became friends and through them, I got connected with other young moms and was able to start building my community.
Building community takes a lot of work.
Even with my growing community, it still wasn’t easy or instant. There were times when the connection wasn’t there, or we were not a good fit as friends. I strongly wanted to find people with kids the same age as mine, and sometimes that was more difficult.
And it seems like fate each time we moved to a new area, the first person I get close to would move away within the year. The good part about this is I get connected to someone who already has formed a community and I can use their friendship to start building new friends through them, but it does not make it easy. But here is the biggest piece of advice I have learned along the way on making and keeping friends and connections – and to help to not be discouraged along the way.
FOCUS on What YOU Can Control.
As a military spouse moving is more than just the next assignment in a new location. It is uprooting our whole life. It means finding new schools, meeting new people, building our lives all over again. As my husband heads off to work at his new job, I am left behind to manage our family, our life and all the boxes each PCS brings.
Why are they such good friends? What am I doing wrong that keeps us from having that connection? Why are they getting together for this activity and I wasn’t invited? Comparing my life and struggles with their “perceived life” was stealing any joy I could make connecting with them.
This is something that over the years I have learned to minimize: to take responsibility for my part in connecting with others, to get out of my comfort zone, and to plan activities myself. I have learned to focus on what I CAN control – what I have responsibility for. I can be the one to make the play dates, join the groups, be the first to reach out. It doesn’t have to fall on the other individual – I have control.
You Are Not Alone.
Being a military spouse can be hard sometimes. You may feel defeated, lonely and isolated as your SO goes off to work each day and interacts with his “group”. I have felt these feelings before and I am here to tell you – It DOES get better!
After all, buildings goes up one brick at a time, and so it is with building a community. One new friend, and then another and another. Before you know, it you have found your tribe again.
So keep pushing on, reach out, minimize comparison and focus on what you can control.
