There is a perception that military spouses are automatically placed in a supportive circle as soon as their ID card is laminated. In some cases, especially for those living on an installation, this could be a reality. Military spouses have a way of finding each other, often through command functions and social events. What starts out as small talk, can lead to commiserating, and, ultimately, connecting. But what if you are having a hard time finding your tribe?
When I first became a Navy wife, I went from having a tight knit group of friends to being thrown into a new world I was unfamiliar with, super pregnant with my first baby, and in a new place. People gave me all this information about how “MILSO life” was suppose to be! The tight-knit group of spouses gathered together frequently for barbeques, bake sales, and we supported each other’s Pampered Chef and Mary Kay businesses. A natural community. Finding your tribe? Check.
Well it wasn’t that easy for me, and I was frustrated.
A good friend is like a four-leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to have.” — Irish Proverb
One of the best things you can do in your military life is to find friends to walk through this journey with. Friends who understand deployments and what going through a PCS every few years is really like, and friends who you can make memories with during the years you are a military spouse.
Military friendships are so meaningful and are very much needed. But, sometimes, making friends isn’t so easy. Sometimes you can feel like you are being friendly and can’t seem to click with anyone. I needed to make a change, and that made such a difference. So if you are feeling the way I did, here is my advice on what to do when you can’t make friends at your duty station.
Self-Evaluate
If you are struggling to make friends at your new duty station, how often are you putting yourself out there? Did you only go to one FRG meeting and decide you can’t make friends there? Are you looking for fun things to do at your duty station? Put yourself out there as often as you can.
Sign up for that book club, join that yoga class, or start going to MOPS. The more places you go, the more people you will meet, and the higher the chances that you will start making friends.
Leave Judgement at the Door
Be honest, have you ever taken your first impression of someone and determined their “friendship” scale right then and there? Allowing a predetermined attitude to dictate your ability to form relationships is not only self-destructive, but can also be a huge roadblock in finding your tribe.
It is a sad fact, but sometimes we are unable to connect with others because we’re too busy judging them. There have been times in my life when someone I wouldn’t have thought would be my best friend ended up being the person I continue to Marco Polo with years later! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Truth is, we all have bad days and you wouldn’t want to be judged for one of yours. Instead, look for what it is you have in common and what you enjoy about that person.
Utilize Children
If you have kids, you will have so many chances to make new friends. If you signed your child up for gymnastics or swim lessons, see if there are any other moms to talk with. I have made some amazing friends just chatting casually during mommy-and-me swim lessons.
Is there a playgroup near where you live? If so, go. And not just once. Keep going. Even if you don’t meet anyone right away, your kids can have fun, meet new people and that can help with friendships for you. Also, if you go to the same place many times in a row, people will start to recognize you, and that can lead to meeting people.
Remember, sometimes it does take time.
Remember that when you move to a new place, finding friends can take some time and even longer to find best friends. Try not to lose hope if you are new to your duty station. Sometimes we get lucky and meet new people we click with right away but that doesn’t always happen, and it is important to remember this.
For some military spouses, three to six months is about how long it can take to make some good friends when they move somewhere new. While this can be overwhelming and frustrating, it is also typical for the military lifestyle. Similar to romantic relationships, rushing the process isn’t always the best idea.
Confidently Do What You Love
You know the age-old advice that you need to be “true to yourself” when finding your soul mate? The same is true with finding friends. If you love to read, join a book club. You will meet other people who also love to read, and you will know you already have something in common.
If you don’t see a group you want to join, why not start your own? In today’s social media world, it is a lot easier to start a new group and put it out there to have people come and join you.
Go online
Facebook groups can be a great way to connect with others in your area. There are probably groups for spouses based on your duty station as well as many subgroups based on different interests. You can also find people in your specific area or in a more general military spouse group. Social media is a great way to connect with others you might otherwise not have come in contact with. Just remember to be wise about meet-ups. Choose large group activities at first to help break the ice. BUNCO, wine clubs, book clubs and the like are usually good places to start.
You Are Not Alone
Remember that you are not the only one looking for a good friend. Most of the other people at your duty station are too. Try to put yourself out there to meet others. Leave the judgement at the door and be open to meeting people outside of your comfort zone. Find fun things for you and your kids to do where you can meet people and have fun in the process. Join some Facebook groups and make plans to fill up your calendar with fun events and meetings.
Don’t Give up!
There truly are many ways for you to make friends at your new duty station. There is a time and season for everything. Focusing on yourself while you are looking for those forever friends will benefit you on your “quest”. Keep moving forward!
