I didn’t even realize that I was making a huge mistake as a MILSO. I remember it like it was yesterday. There I was, sitting at an FRG meeting at my first duty station. Everyone was chatting and swapping stories about military life. I was pregnant, my husband was gone and I was thinking about how I didn’t know anyone or have any stories to share. I was new after all.
One of the wise seasoned spouses noticed that I was sitting alone and approached me. She could probably tell that I was a newbie right away – I had that look about me.
She exchanged names and chatted about our lives and families. And then she asked me how I was managing military life. I explained how I was feeling, but then said “but it’s ok! I’m fine.” Little did I know I was lying to myself.
She then told me this important truth and about the biggest mistake I could make as a MILSO.
The biggest mistake a military spouse can make.
It’s not what you may think. It isn’t about quitting school or getting married young. And this certainly isn’t about having babies or not having babies. It isn’t about making sure to work and be a career person either.
This is about remembering who you are. About remembering to take care of yourself. This is about nurturing yourself as a person despite the uphill battle of military life.
People in general tend to put everything and everyone else before themselves, especially women. Trust me, I’m no different. We put our careers, boss, clients and businesses ahead of our sleep and sanity, take care of our significant others and children and only really focus on ourselves if everything else is done. As a MILSO, we also organize all PCS paperwork and logistics, deal with deployment separation, emotions and reintegration, and starting over, all while thinking we need to put that above ourselves again.
But in that equation, we are all forgetting one thing.
Self-care.
When we forget self-care, we lose ourselves while trying to manage everything around us. The years pass us by between duty stations. The deployments and homecomings all become a blur. Everything you were before seems to be left behind as you follow your service member from place to place.
Before you know it, you don’t even know who you are anymore beyond a“military spouse.”
Self-care for military spouses.
Not taking care of yourself is the biggest mistake you can make as a military spouse. Even more than losing that POA when you are trying to organize and schedule your move. All of us need to take care of ourselves. We have to do things that are important to us. We can’t allow military life to change who we are and take over our lives to the point where we don’t recognize ourselves anymore.
So….what can we do about it???
Here are some simple ways military spouses can implement self-care starting RIGHT NOW:
1. List 3-4 things that are important to you in your life that you want to accomplish THIS YEAR
Ask yourself: what make you happy? What feeds your soul? Then write them down. It doesn’t matter if it seems selfish to you – and remember, self-care isn’t selfish – just write them down. This could be as small as learning new recipes or as large as taking piano lessons. Anything at all!
2. List 3 things that are important to you in the next 5 years.
These are the goals that you wish to accomplish in the next 1-2 duty stations. This about the items that will fill our soul the most and complete you as a human being. It doesn’t matter what they are. Write them down. This could be finishing your degree, starting a family, getting a promotion at work or taking a trip to Europe with your spouse.
3. Share These Goals With Your spouse.
Tell your spouse what’s important to you right now and in 5 years. Then talk about how together you can make those goals become reality. Even if these are items that only you can really take care of, sharing with your spouse will keep you both on the same page and will more likely bring the support along with it. Military marriage is hard. Communication is hard. Military marriage is hard. But we have to do it.
4. Stick with it.
It’s so easy to scrap our goals and let them fall by the wayside. Stay accountable to your goals by writing them down, using trackers, planners and reward systems to keep you motivated to complete them.
You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup
This phrase is a reminder to me of the importance of not making the same mistake I did many years ago. After all, i’m in this for the long haul. I will be following my spouse around the world if that is what it asked of me and I want to make sure I am whole and complete each and every time we start over. I am determined not to lose myself along the way.
The work we do as military spouses to keep our military families strong is a function of self-care.
When done the right way, self-care is actually one of the least selfish things you can do. It isn’t always about doing more, spending more, or being more. It’s about being present for yourself. This will in turn make a difference to your family, your service member and yourself.
And if you are looking for some inspiration on how to get started, be sure to check out my ebook, specifically for MILSOs!
