Deployments can be tough on a relationship.
A deployment is notoriously lonely and feel like they are dragging on day by day. You are use to deciding how you spend your time, and your family’s time, on your own. Your meals seem to lax and maybe you put off doing certain chores (or self-care) because you think “What’s the point?”. It can also be easy to fall into a pattern and routine of not “needing” your SO. I get it! You have to hold down the fort yourself.
Sound familiar? It’s ok!
My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for almost 11. We have been through multiple deployments, months/a year apart at a time, and never would I say that it has been easy or glamorous. However, I feel we are closer now than we were when we first were together and I am grateful.
As difficult as it is to believe, there are ways to help you two draw closer to each other and continue moving forward in your marriage even when separated by thousands of miles! Here are the top 10 BEST tips I would say help the most to keep the fire alive and to strengthen your relationship during a deployment!
1. Become a Care Package Queen
Sending a care package can be a fun and exciting way to spice things up. Photos, romantic cards, trinkets reminding of memories, and other thoughtful items can help build up your relationships. It doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy to make an impression.
I asked my husband to name his favorite care package item he has received from me. He told me it was this fleece blanket I made him with the logos of his favorite basketball team. That blanket cost me less than 10 dollars and a chick-flick length of time to put together, and it is STILL a favorite in this house. He knew I was thinking about him and it actually brought us closer.
2. Say “I Love you” Often
Do not miss an opportunity to say “I love you”, even in writing. It may seem cheesy, but this is something your SO will greatly appreciate! My husband has kept every single letter and card I sent him during trainings and deployments, all the way from OCS to his most recent. Writing a “love letter” is a private and intimate way to express your feelings towards your SO. Let your SO know how much he/she means to you, how much you appreciate all he/she does and the huge sacrifices that are made.
3. Keep Communication Open
Although you may not have as many opportunities to communicate, make sure to make those opportunities count!
Be open, honest and vulnerable with your loved one. You do not want to dwell on negativity, however, do not feel like you have to put on a brave face and not express your true feelings. Keeping communication open between you two, whether via email, letters or occasional voice-to-voice will grow your intimacy more than anything else. That type of intimacy is long lasting.
4. Learn More About Your SO
When you are dating your SO, everything is new and exciting. You look forward to learning more and more of that other person. Something hanges along the way. The longer you are together the more likely there is a time when you stop studying your SO. Things become routine, you learn as you go WHEN it comes up and feel like you don’t need more information.
But here is the truth: people do change. From their taste in movies to their favorite way to eat their eggs, change is inevitable. Learning about your SO allows you to fall in love over and over again, just like you did when you were first dating.
During deployment, it’s often hard to do these things. Communication is sparse, and there aren’t long periods of time where you can just “chat.” So taking time to complete a couples questionnaire can give you guys a way to keep that fire alive even through a distance.
5. Practice Good Self-Care
Self-Care is a FANTASTIC way to stay feeling sexy and confident while your SO is deployed. Self-care has been a long standing practice for as long as people have been on this earth. As Aristotle put it, “all friendly feelings for others are an extension of man’s feelings for himself.”
In other words, to better show love for others, we must show love for ourselves. I think he was onto something here. This isn’t just spa days and manicures either! Examples of self-care practices during deployment includes exercise, meditation, good sleep habits, letting go of negativity, and finding your tribe.
Overall, there are many options for self-care and it looks different to everyone. Focusing on ourselves and our care gives confidence, peace and an overall positive outlook. This will carry over into our relationship with your SO.
4. Do Some Shopping
On the back of self-care, let’s chat self-love! When you FEEL good about our body and have a good positive body image, it translates to your relationships with others, especially your spouse. One easy way to boost your body love is a quick shopping trip for an updated look.
Even if finances may be tight during deployment, consider budgeting and setting aside some petty cash for some “I survived deployment” shopping for YOU. Has it been a while since you invested in some new sexy underwear, or maybe an outfit that makes you feel like a million bucks? What better time than at the end of a deployment.
Although your SO will probably not care, per say, what you are wearing, that boost of body love will carry over into the time spent together during reintegration.
5. Be Independent in Adventures
There is no law that says that in order to show your commitment, you have to be 100% focused on the fact that your SO is gone. Pining is un-heathy and creates negative energy. A better use of your time would be to focus on activities that boost your mood and independence.
So go start making your Deployment Bucket List: Go on some adventures, try something new, take trips, set dates with friends, get out of the house and try to make the most out of the time you have. Is there something you have always wanted to do but didn’t think you had the time? There is no better time than during a deployment.
This independence I mentioned will only bring you and your service member closer together. You’ll feel happier and more fulfilled by doing things that you love and enjoy and he will feel more confident knowing that “you’ve got this.” Nothing more attractive than a confident, happy and independent soul!
8. Don’t Blame your Spouse When Things Change
I like being in control and I LOVE being in the know. It is something my Type A, slight-OCD personality loves. Which makes being a military spouse difficult at times because, let’s face it, nothing is ever set or scheduled in this life. So it can be very irritating when I am given bad news or changes to the schedule by my dear husband. I can feel him brace for impact of my reaction (even through the phone with shotty reception).
Over the years I have learned that no matter how I feel on the inside, expressing those feelings to him could come out wrong. Because honestly, it’s not his fault. He is just as disappointed as I am. So instead, I suggest finding your bestie milso, get some ice cream, have a good cry and give yourself, and your SO some grace.
9. Have a “Date Night”
Just because you aren’t physically together doesn’t mean you can’t do things together. If possible, schedule a Skype call to share a meal (breakfast for you and dinner for him?). Light a candle, pour your favorite drink and take some time to REALLY talk. If possible, make sure distractions are minimized (put the kids in bed and/or put your phone AWAY!). Imagine what it would be like if you were at a fancy restaurant and soak it all in.
When face-to-face time is not available, think about other ways you can be together without the real-time interaction. Some options could be to read the same book or maybe watch the same TV series. If possible, spend some set time (i.e. each Sunday evening) doing these things and thinking about your spouse.
I also got my husband matching journals so we could document our days when letter writing was not as easy. It’s nice to come back together at the end of deployment and go through the journals together and reminisce.
10. Make Plans for the Future
We have hardly ever been able to celebrate anniversaries, birthdays or holidays together. Deployment has a way of ruining plans. If you find yourself in that situation, make plans to do so after. Planning a special trip or even a staycation with your favorite food and movies can make a difference. There is no rule that the celebrations have to be on their actual day. My husband and I have even celebrated anniversaries almost 6 months in advance since we knew deployment would get in the way. Make those plans – and it may even give you a way to stay sane while they are gone!
You have got this!
Deployments can be some of the hardest times in a military couple’s relationship; but it doesn’t have to define the relationship in a negative way. Be honest with yourself and your SO, establish expectations of communication and remember why you are with that person in the first place. Your relationship doesn’t just have to survive a deployment: it can also THRIVE.
